||[May. 29th, 2009|11:33 pm]
I like the person I'm becoming. I find it interesting (and good!) that I'm still growing, still changing, still maturing, still learning how to deal with different situations, and constantly improving myself. I like learning to run, realizing I have people skills and can organize events, learning who I am and what I want in relationships, learning how to be better friends with people. Maybe it's all every-day stuff to most people, but to me it's all a big deal because I feel I'm a little behind when it comes to all this independent stuff, so as I make progress I notice it and am proud of myself for it.
Which brings me to another point. I love myself. I know I'm great. Not stuck-up and self-absorbed, but I know I am happy with myself. It's weird how I realize this after a break up - usually people feel down about themselves and are wondering what they do wrong in a situation like this, but I know it's not me. And that is probably the only reason why I haven't given up on relationships - because I know I'm doing nothing wrong, so why not keep trying. As Menas said, "keep hammering away at it." I think a lot of this confidence comes from my mom being a great parent. She always made it a point to tell me she's proud of me for every little thing I accomplished. She has never been insecure about herself - looks or personality, and she taught me to be the same way. I see other girls - girls who are thinner than me - say they don't wear shorts because of cellulite, or they would never think about going to the beach in a 2-piece suit, or that they don't want to have sex if they've gained 5 pounds because they're not sexy anymore and don't want anyone to have to see their extra 5 pounds. Well that's stupid! I'm not saying that if you're 200 pounds you should be strutting around in a string bikini, but in general, why the hell are girls so insecure?! Sure, walking around in front of people in a bathing suit isn't my favorite activity, but at the same time if I'm at the beach with my friends I'm not covering myself up, I'm enjoying myself as much as the 100-lb girl next to me. And I noticed that over the past 3-4 years, if I'm dating a guy I'm not shy about my body. It's great. Not perfect by any means - I have stomach jiggle and plenty of cellulite on my butt, but who cares!! Whoever the guy is, if he likes me, he knows before he sees me naked what I would look like, so if he's still hanging out with me after the first date then he's going to love my body whenever he does end up seeing it. And there's no way I'd refuse to have sex in daylight because I don't want a guy to see folds or whatever. I realize by now that every guy I've dated has seen the folds, and they did not find me any less sexy. Sure, there are days when I feel down on myself, but generally, I'm pretty hot stuff.
I learned a lot from dating a lot of guys - from both the month-long relationships and the year-and-a-half-long relationship. Being in a lot of different dating scenarious helped me see how a relationship *should* be. Sure, every relationship, person, situation, etc is different, and you can't compare all to a standard you set for yourself, but at least dating allowed me to see how I should set my priorities for future relationships. And with everything I wrote above, about me being a pretty awesome person, and knowing that I am understanding and caring and kind and funny and have really good communication skills, I know I have all it takes to be half of a successful relationship eventually, when I find a person who can be all that I am with me. If they don't have all that then there's no way it's gonna work. But there's GOTTA be someone out there who has the same views about relationships and the same values and priorities and needs, right? I guess that's why I haven't given up.
And looking back, I guess that's why "all things happen for a reason." Things don't work out with people because they're not the right people. It seems stupid to say, but really think about it. Didn't want to go into specifics, but things with Andrew didn't work out because obviously he wasn't the right guy for me. Back then I thought he had everything I needed, but if we're not together then he obviously didn't. And someone will. And if not, then that's OK, but I'm sure as hell not settling.
Did not mean for this to get all relationshippy, I just wanted to write that I like the things I'm doing with my life. And I like myself probably because I take the time to appreciate myself and recognize all the good things that I do.